I had a thought this weekend, while I was helping Adam’s aunt peel potatoes— I feel more comfortable, more at ease, joyful when my hands are busy.
Typically, I’m always doing something. Whether it be cleaning the house, baking, knitting or crafting, etc.
If there’s an event, like this past weekend when we visited family, I am going to bring snacks to share, contribution for meals, etc. I enjoy it. A few years ago, I had this spirit of servitude twisted into something negative, when a person I once loved became a mouthpiece for the enemy: “You need to be needed. You are helpful because you gain your self-esteem through making people need you and then helping them.” Gut punch. It felt extremely contradictory to my personality— as I’m a notorious hermit who has no problem establishing boundaries or saying no. I tend to be drawn to independent thinkers who sort of do their own thing and when our wavelengths link up, we vibe together. I’m a lot of things but codependent is not one of them. Her comments also made it sound like I manipulated people into needing me so that I could get some kind of narcissistic high from being of service. Again, gut punch. The truth is, if I see a need, I fulfill it. If I walk by a mess, I’m going to clean it up. If a job needs to be done and I have the bandwidth & capability, I’m going to do it. If the potatoes need peeling and I’m just sitting around: I’m going to peel the potatoes. And why is this relevant? Because God knew, even if it messed up my sense of self & equilibrium for a season, that the image that person attempted to paint me as, was not the truth of who I am. And, as I nurtured my relationship with God, her image began to fade and His truth in His creation of me became more and more vivid. The thing is, if we listen to the world, one heavily versed in the language of the enemy, we will always see a distorted version of ourselves. When we suit up in the armor of God, the Father of lights, we see the truth of ourselves. Me? I’m just naturally helpful. There isn’t any malice or need there— it’s just how I’m hardwired. I find joy in caring for others and in a job well done. Busy hands tend to calm my anxious mind. I see no fault in those who are hard-wired differently than I am and just the same, I see no fault in myself. We were all made with intention and when we explore this truth, our capabilities are endless. “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” —Psalms 139:14