Turning Back

There's this certain stigma that by turning back and returning to where you once were is somehow a failure. I don't subscribe to that idea whatsoever.

I think it shows both an ability to move outside one's comfort zone and also highlights the humility to reflect honestly about what works and doesn't work for you.

I've attempted new things, sometimes successfully, and other times, I've discovered that it wasn't as efficient, fulfilling or the like, so I went back.

Now, I'm seeing this pattern unfold online.

I've blogged for a very long time.

Of all the platforms, Blogger was my absolute favorite. I'm still upset that Google treated it so poorly.

There was a freedom in writing to no one. Minimal views, yet this beautiful digital canvas.

Social media bastardized that. I think back to when Instagram was just a photo sharing site-- no 'likes' or whatever, and it was beautiful to see different people's photo grids. It gave you this interesting perspective on the people around you, you were able to glimpse life through their eyes, what they valued. It was, for lack of a better word or phrase, cool. Now, it's just a giant marketing campaign and because of the algorithm, you don't even see half the people you follow when you open the app. It's mostly recommended content. Barf.

I like this writing to no one thing. The fact that just a few people might stumble upon this. I appreciate the emails I get from those of you who resonate with something I shared. There is intimacy there, value.

There was this forced socialization online that was beginning to drain me. I closed my DMs many years ago because the pressure to reply to people was stressing me out. But then I started to feel pressure that when someone commented on something I had to answer RIGHT AWAY or I was being rude, and it just felt so forced. Maybe this says more about me than these platforms. I just, I don't operate that way.

As I get older, I really see how much of a hermit I am and that it's perfectly okay.

I value connection and relationship; I love my family and friends. But I also need so much alone time. Maybe that's the season of life I am in-- as a mother of 5, with children who need and require so much from me, that it only makes sense I need a lot of time to unwind and be with my own thoughts and get that time to talk to God, pursue my own hobbies, etc.

I can feel myself shedding the layers that were programmed into me through these forced socialization sites over the last decade. I do sometimes struggle with the urge to scroll the timeline, but it becomes less and less every day. I can feel myself returning to my natural equilibrium.

It feels good.



Musings of a hopeful & Healing Feminine