Fighting some intense fatigue today. I could lounge in a bath, then the pool, then the bath again & then snuggle on a blanket with a book and a nice cold sweetened tea. No speaking. Just quiet.
But the day demands other things from me, as to be expected.
So I’m stealing daydreams in the clouds. We had a random, quick, downpour and then the sun came back. Both were beautiful. I love when it rains yet you can see blue skies. What a crazy planet we live on.
Quiet truly is a commodity in this busy, busy society. There’s so much to be gained when all the sounds of radios, televisions, voices stop for a moment and you‘re just left with the wind, the birds, passing cars. I could do without the cars, but, again, it is to be expected.
I’m fatigued, but happy, whatever that word means. There is joy here in the exhaustion, because I know it’s from caregiving, house-tending, and from being intensely alive. So I welcome the fatigue. I greet small moments of quiet with gratitude. I lean into to my fantasy of baths and swimming and reading and remember, there will be seasons for aloneness. This is not that season. The season of The Mother is a busy one. And it passes by so quickly.
I do find it entertaining, that my fantasies now how they are so pure, innocent. A bath? A swim? Solitude with a book? When there’s an entire world to travel and explore with my love, my family?! Yet, I’ve come to understand that so much of what we think we want to do or see stems from the inability to be still and surrendered to the now moment, to where we find ourselves called to root. Maybe it’s just me who needed to understand this. I am humble enough to recognize that what is for me and what I am called to do and be isn’t what everyone else will need. And there is freedom in that.
Sovereignty takes the hand of surrender and stills the heart. I recognize I have what so many desire and I feel blessed.
I am human and not God, and that means I will always struggle to a certain extent with total surrender, but I walk with ease now. An ease I never thought would be mine when I was a little girl.
I have more love than I knew could exist and some days, it wears me thin— to love and be loved. ‘Aloneness‘ was so much of my life for such a long time that there is desire there for it. I think we all need it from time to time.
And, I mean, look— I’ve been mostly alone while I write this and I choose dialogue over other things for this quick moment. Meaning, I long for connection, too.
So, here I am, sending my very quiet love out into the world. In my fatigued and grateful wavelength, surfing the energetic ocean with you all.