This last year has year has been a trip. And these last 2 weeks? A Super Trip! My youngest son celebrated his first journey around the sun & my oldest daughter started middle school. Adam, Garrett and I made some concrete plans in regards to what our next 2 years will look like. Boundaries were drawn. Bridges were burned. Freedom was had. It's been a time of Revelation for our family.
(A visual representation of the psychological war I've been fighting for the last 8 years on my journey to wholeness as I balanced my inner masculine & feminine.)
December ushers in a closure of a personal cycle for me, one that began when my father died in December 2011. I can feel the circle closing and the next circle opening. I know that I am entering into the final season of my personal summer. (I have another 8-9 years in this "season"). This is a major wake-up call that will coincidentally coincide with my daughters descent into puberty and young-adulthood. Archetypal speaking, she will be entering into her Maiden as I take one last season to really feel, hear and heal my maiden and truly step into the Archetypal Mother that is my destiny.
A few months after my father died, I gave birth to my oldest son. I wasn't raised by my father, and he died before I had a chance to get to know him. It's a confusing, deep to the bones wound that I've carried for many years. That time in my life, his death, my son's birth, was a time of working and listening with my inner masculine. I was exploring Christianity; I read the bible front to back 4x, attended church, bible studies, Women of Faith Conferences, was a small group leader, spoke during a sermon series, volunteered-- I was all in. I really dove in to masculine healing. This balancing and exploration allowed for a lot of walls to come down. I was able to shed a lot of things I was not. Coincidentally, as I explored the masculine, I became a much softer, more authentic version of myself. Yet, the Goddess still whispered to me. (I will spend time on my spiritual journey, go more in depth, at a later time. This is another story.)
And yet, since healing is an ongoing journey, as one wound closes up, we are able to focus on another, which for me is that of my maiden. She's calling out to be heard and I'm here to listen to her. I recently joined Sarah Durham Wilson's Mammune to surround myself with others on the maiden to mother journey. Her teachings have been vulnerable and honest. It is exactly what I need during this season of my life. I don't want perfection, in myself or others, but I do want realness.
Along the way, as I became a mother in the physical realm, I kept denying my maiden her voice. Just as I was denied my voice as a child, I was perpetuating the same cycle of abuse against my inner maiden. I kept telling her that her feelings do not matter-- any time she would be upset but chose to swallow it to Keep the peace, for example, I was denying her her Truth. It was very important for me to explore the masculine wounding I carried, but I am seeing now how much of a gaping wound my unhealed maiden is. I was reminded of this on my youngest son's first birthday, when I was shown on Facebook "memories" his birth announcement.
A birth announcement? But how? It's complicated, but essentially, I was forced to announce his birth before I was ready because the moment was taken from me by my mother, who was currently not speaking to me-- yet somehow felt it was very important for her to hop on Facebook and be the first to announce the arrival of her grandson.
A few months before he was born, I had asked her to come to Minnesota to stay around his due date, because school was starting and since I have 3 other kids, I thought it would be nice for my mom to come help. I am not someone that asks for help. I've been on my own since I was 14 and I have just always figured out how to make things work. But, she's never seen me pregnant or been around when the babies were brand new, they were usually between 6-9 months old before they met grandma, and I thought it would be great to have her here. Which, was apparently the *wrong* thing to ask. She ended up ghosting me, blocking me on all social media shortly after that conversation and I had no idea why. It was very confusing, upsetting and stressful. I had no idea what I did wrong. Ghosting & the silent treatment is a pattern I have had to deal with since I was child. I have a zero-tolerance policy for it in my personal relationships. It shows emotional immaturity, and is, in my opinion, a form of emotional abuse. Emotionally intelligent people communicate with those they are in relationship with. Especially when they are hurt. They do not let everyone around them walk on eggshells, stewing over every minute detail trying to figure out what they could have done to deserve such treatment. Anyway, I'm getting off track now. Back to the birth announcement.
Imagine my surprise when I hadn't announced to anyone but my immediate friends and family that we had our son. People I hadn't seen since high school were flooding my inbox with "congratulations" over this birth and telling me what a great name we had chosen. He wasn't even a day old yet, I was still in the hospital, shocked over his early arrival, and in tears because I wasn't able to announce his birth in the manner I chose. (Which was going to be after we already arrived home and were settled a bit more.) It was taken from me by someone who wasn't even speaking to me at that time. Whenever I see that announcement, my heart breaks, because I had to rush it, play nice and quickly 'reclaim' the narrative. In the middle of a powerful birth experience, I was pushed into maiden, into the heartbroken child who didn't understand why she was in trouble again and gosh, it was devastating. Coincidentally, she forgot his birthday this year. *insert nervous laugh*
(For those of you who are curious, I l would later find out she ghosted and blocked me because I didn't ask her to be in the delivery room with Adam & I. I had hurt her feelings by not knowing she would want to be in the room, despite her never attending the births of my other children and it always just being me and my partner alone.. Apparently, this was my fault and warranted all the stress and confusion. Yeah. Sounds like a great excuse, a way to make it my fault, and make me the bad guy. Cool. Cool?)
It's not healthy to not communicate when you are unhappy with someone. It's not okay to just expect people to guess what they did wrong. And that's how I was raised. I was just wrong and I needed to figure out how to fix it and the fact that I didn't know what I did wrong was my problem. Do you see the cycle of madness? The gaslighting? How this could make for a very anxious and paranoid person? And, when I became a mother at 21, I did the same thing to myself in a way. I stopped communicating with myself, relaying my needs. I told myself that I just was "fixed" now and didn't have any issues to work through because I had a daughter now and needed to focus on her. I just kept telling myself to swallow my feelings and focus on the finish. I was cruel and cold to my inner maiden-- kept telling her, Oh, suck it up, buttercup!
I don't know why, but it was much easier to say, Okay, I didn't have a Dad. The reason I get so sad and feel so hurt all the time is because I need to understand what healthy masculine energy is and then I will feel better. But, that was only one small piece of the puzzle. And, now I see that the true work has only just begun. I didn't want to look at how deeply ingrained some of these patterns are, how far down in my psyche they are, how long they've been buried there and how much I truly need to excavate. But, it must be done. I have a daughter who needs a MOTHER not a wounded maiden. And, I want to get these issues under control before she is cognizant that it's been a maiden raising her all along. We are very close and I would like to maintain that healthy bond. I want to be the mother ALL of my children deserve. For them. And, yes, for myself.
I'm done stuffing my mess in the closet. The only way I'm going to clean all this shit out of me is to leave the doors open, pull each thing out one by one and see what serves me and what needs to be thrown out. I'm not a child, but a mother. I'm not a princess, I am a Queen. It's time to step into the next part. It's time to really see and hear myself now. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm owning it all. I'm not swallowing my truth any longer. I am healing without apology and stepping into my destiny.