These are things I've been mulling over.
I feel like they're the theme of a video game level I'm stuck in and I'm just about to beat it, but I'm not quite there yet. I see each distraction, can name it, can kick it out of the way. But, do they ever stop coming? Is there really a way to "beat" distractions or do we just get better at staying focused? And what about our environment? What if even the greatest alchemists have to come to terms with the fact that in order for their powers to truly be activated, they need to be standing on soil that fully nourishes them? Meaning, switching up their location in the game, yeah? Or is it a land-cultivation thing? A "be the change" thing? You have to add the nutrients to the soil?
And what does this have to do with purpose?
Well, until you are focused & thriving in your environment: you cannot bear fruit, yes? And in this case, by fruit, I mean purpose.
For the last year, especially, I've been seeing much of my life as puzzle pieces, or smaller games within a bigger game and how they fit together. Some of it makes sense. Some of it has left me feeling extremely, extremely paranoid (I do not like these days), other days very sad or frustrated, angry even. Often, it has brought me to my knees or collapsing into Adam's arms, or both.
I got distracted for awhile on the idea of grace and forgiveness. How, I have always without hesitation extended it to others, yet have rarely ever felt the reciprocation. My mistakes, my bad days, they are not forgiven by others for some reason. I am often held responsible for things that do not belong to me or that I haven't even done. I am still trying to understand why that is. Obviously, my relationship with my partner, my close friends, this isn't the case. These are safe spaces and I am so very grateful. But, I've been betrayed often, silenced often, cast as scapegoat often, been "punished" for things I did not do & I am so tired of this form of distraction and the pain and confusion that accompanies it. It's completely worthless. It has very much eroded my self-worth in some ways. It hurts me, takes up so much head-space while I am lost wondering why I wasn't "worth" a conversation, an opportunity to clear the air. I have feared something is "wrong" with me for forgiving so quickly, or seeing the good in someone even after they've shown such an ugly side. I've really had to ask myself a lot of tough questions.
It is my nature to try and understand things, people, everything. My heart just naturally wants to take deep breaths, nod my head and go, "ah, yes, I see now." So, when things happen or I sense something off, I usually try to dive in head first. I don't like to jump to conclusions and assumption-energy makes me physically sick. If I value you, and something goes down, I absolutely will reach out to get your side of it, or just let you know that you are not alone. To not do these things is to go against my nature. It feels like I am disobeying God when I don't follow my heart.
But, it's been such a distraction. Or maybe a lesson, too, I suppose. I'm listening. And I am trying to "bloom where I'm planted" but I very seriously question the soil here and its ability to nourish my family properly. And, focusing on our environment too much, becomes another, you guessed it, FORM OF DISTRACTION. I do my best to enjoy it because, gosh, we have a house!! We have chickens, and 5 acres, and the summers are amazing and I have space to paint and write and we are SO LUCKY. SO BLOOM BLOOM BLOOM, right?! But, things like... the lack of racial diversity, the very conservative MAGA majority, the lack of arts and family-centered community gatherings, these things bother me. I know there is more. So, I am distracted. I can't quite settle here, even with Adam beside me. Something just isn't right, or, yes, it's not "enough" for my family here in many ways. And I so desperately want it to be.
And, so I am distracted.
A distracted person cannot step into their purpose. My purpose right now is to be the best mom I can be. To give my kids a safe space to to be kids so they don't have to worry about grown-up things yet. So they are free to learn and play and grow into themselves in a secure environment with a mother focused on God and Love so that they, too, are focused on God and Love.
So I'm playing this level of the video game as best I can. For them. For this next generation I am nurturing. I want to be focused and truly able to anchor as I have been called to do for these kids. I don't want to get lost in my head worrying about why I am here or treated a way or blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
because nothing matters but God and family. And, I just, want to be the sovereign, free, priestess of my family like I have been called to be. I am the mother to four amazing children and they need me. And I know, too, that God gave me our church here, to soothe my soul and keep my heart centered. For that I am grateful.
I'm giving it all to God. Take it. Hold it for me. I cannot be the mother I am meant to without you.